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How to take surfing way too seriously

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Image from pulsarmedia.eu

 

Is your relationship with surfing too casual? Do you worry you might pass people in the street who have no idea just how laid back and surfy you are?

Well fret no more. With this simple guide you can take something fun and turn it into an exhausting lifestyle choice. Bro.


 

Have a board for every condition.

The first rule of taking surfing too seriously is always being prepared. You never know when your local beach break that's never produced anything above sloppy 4ft mush will break out the 30ft Waimean monsters. So get yourself a gun and keep it in plain sight at all times. And remember, when you’re buying a longboard it’s not about your size and weight, it’s about having the longest board out there. Because you never know when you might turn into a 7ft sumo wrestler. 

 

Pledge your soul to a mythical sea God. Any one will do.

Poseidon, Kanaloa, Davey Jones, it doesn’t matter. No one checks these things. Just drop into conversation that you truly believe in some water-based deity and everyone will know you’ve really committed to this surfing thing. Or better yet, put up a poster of your God of choice and consider actually getting on your knees and praying to the thing.

 

Change your favourite spot every six months.

Like movies and bands, surf spots instantly become rubbish after a certain number of people see them. So as surfing spreads around the UK you’re going to have to keep moving your favourite spot to stay ahead of the curve. Just pick a random point on a map, ideally by the sea, and justify it with these seven words, “When it goes off, it goes off.”

Then shorten its name. A surf spot only becomes legitimate after you’ve got the name down to two syllables. And if all the good spots really are taken? Hell, just make one up and say it’s a secret.

 

Actively avoid well known brands.

Everyone knows mainstream surf clothing brands are the root of all evil. So only buy from smaller, independent companies. But make sure they look like big surf brands or nobody will know you surf. And don’t buy too much or you might help them become mainstream.

And as for equipment, only use custom made boards. ‘Off the shelf’ boards sink 100% of the time. But don’t worry about wetsuits. Mainstream brand wetsuits are fine. Because they just are.

 

Invent a trick

This is much easier than it sounds. Just think of a move you can already do and put your name in front of it. So if your name’s Dave and you do a cutback, call it a Dave Cutback and say the difference is your foot’s two degrees further clockwise or something equally vague. Then every so often when you see someone do a cutback, tell them they just did a Dave Cutback. That way they’ll know to thank you for retroactively teaching them a trick.

 

 

So there you have it. Follow this guide and in no time at all you’ll be talking about how surfing is your religion and Mother Nature is your mistress and in a past life you were a fish.

 

That being said, I guess the real sign you might be taking it all a bit too seriously is when you start writing articles about taking it too seriously. Hmm.

 

Happy surfing!

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Alfie

Last modified on
in Surf Tips

Comments

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